I was tired this morning. I worked late last night, crawling into bed after 1 AM. I hit snooze again and again as Matthew got up, showered and woke up the girls for school. Even after I walked my school girls to the bus stop and took Catherine on our mile walk through town in her stroller, I feel lazy. There are dishes to do and laundry to put away and bills and homework to organize and I just want to take a nap. But I have to get somethings done today, because I have to work again tonight. That means the only time I'll see Bethany yesterday or today was the rushed hour of getting ready for school, tying shoes, brushing hair, washing faces. Gwen & I will be able to have lunch together before I take her to her babysitters' house and kiss her goodbye for the afternoon and night & see her again tomorrow morning. I do enjoy the time I have at home with my Catherine all day. I have worked part-time nights and weekends for most of my married life and every once in a while it really wears me down. I hate not being home to have dinner with my family, to check my daughters' backpacks, to kiss them goodnight. I don't like being so tired in the mornings. It seems there is never enough time to catch up on the housework in between shifts. I want to be here for my family or at least leave them a clean house and dinner in the oven before I go to work and that doesn't always happen. Then, I get to work and it seems like I am never giving quite enough, I'm never as flexible as they need me to be, or as willing to stay late or work an extra shift. & everyone thinks I'm so lucky that I only have to work part-time. & I am, I know that. I know that there are mothers out there who work much more than I do & handle it with much more grace. (Like my sister!) There are single moms working and raising kids on their own & I don't know how they do it all. I know that I am blessed to have a husband who supports me at home and at work, who cooks dinner & tucks the kids in when I'm not home. I have a job that I love, once I'm there, and that pays enough that I do only have to work part-time. So although I am weak and ungrateful for feeling this way, sometimes I just get tired of being torn in so many directions. I feel guilty dropping the girls off, letting someone else ask about their day at school. I feel guilty eating dinner alone at work while my husband is home setting the table for our family. I feel guilty about our hit and miss family home evenings because I work every Monday night. You get the idea. And yet, with Matthew in school and our vehicles getting older and noisier, we never really considered me working less, or staying home all the time. We have always worked it out so that I could work a little. Until now. Until this little miracle that's making us change our plans and priorities. Maybe I can take a break for a year, or two, or more. I get excited thinking about being a full-time stay-at-home-mom. Four is just too many to arrange day care for and I am so glad. I'm counting down the shifts until April and then I'll be home. Home with a newborn and my big girls and my husband. I can't wait.
Heavenly Father knows the desires of our hearts. I am so thankful for this blessing and for the Lords' timing. He knows what we need much better than we do.
10-12-08: Sadly, this pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 12 weeks. We are thankful for the opportunity we had to reexamine our priorities and put our faith and family first in our lives.
12 comments:
Wow..didn't see that coming at the end of your post! CONGRATULATIONS! That is so exciting, and sounds like it will be such a blessing! Congrats!
"...who cooks dinner & tucks the kids in when I'm not home..."
For the record:
The girls are getting sick of the 3 things I know how to make and I get them to bed really late AND I make a big mess and never clean it up.
Thanks for the hard work you put into being a mom. thanks for being a good nurse. Thanks for being a sweet and dedicated wife. Thanks for being you.
And I feel bad, but I'll be better about having the dishes done when you get home from now on.
That was a GREAT punch-line. Oh, wait, are you serious? Whoa, Nelly! THAT is truly a surprise, and a delightful one at that! So happy for you, but now what am I supposed to do with all the advice you dished my way back in July that I put so much weight in? You are rocking my world here, Emily. I know, I know, easily swayed. But I don't want to be left out...
After leaving my last comment I went to the kitchen to grab a slice of bread, buttered it, gulped down some water, yelled down the stairs for the girls to get taking their naps (that I've been trying to enforce for at least 2 hours now), and came back here to click, once again, on your blog and reread to make sure I hadn't missed something. I am thoroughly thrilled for you, while experiencing simultaneous bouts of anxiety. Maybe it's the ol' BORG coming out in me, but I am having sympathy pains (and excitements). Don't know why I feel the need to share this lengthy play-by-play. Wish I could visit with you in person - I am have having serious friend sickness (my version of home sickness, but for old friends)
today.
Emily,
I am so excited for your "miracle". There is One who knows what is best. He watches over all and knows what each of us needs. It is nice to be reminded of this from time to time.
To every mother who works regardless of whether it is part/full time, working=guilt.
I work because of the "empty styrofoam cup" effect, but for whatever reason you find yourself in the workforce it is never easy.
This new little person coming to the Lowe house is a very lucky little girl/boy (oh who are we kidding...GIRL!!)
Love you, Em.
Maryann
Wow, that is so awesome for you guys! I guess I'll have to stop by in October and return the Maya Wrap:) Congrats, that's really great news.
okay Maryann
you have to explain the "empty styrofoam cup effect" because I like to know all things and this... I don't know!
Emily, thanks for the reminder that the Lord knows us and what we need and desire most. You're an amazing woman. I'm lucky that I married Daron and got two sisters in the deal!
and thanks for the reminder that YOU"RE PREGNANT
my sister is pregnant! That's pretty wild to me, congratulations again :)
Congrats!!! Although...I don't believe having 4 children is going to be much of a break! Your my idol Emily! I don't know how you do all you do!
Jamie,
Irrational I may be, but the "empty styrofoam cup" effect is how I explain how I felt when my two children left me at home all alone when they both started school. I was transformed overnight from the one with all of the answers, the one who provides all of their meals and who they turn to for every single issue and problem, to the one that waits for everyone to get home. I felt so uneeded and empty...like and empty styrofoam cup. :)
Now, I know that many mothers look forward anxiously to the day that they will have the house to themselves all day while everyone is at school. The transition from "little" child Mother to "older" child Mother was a hard one for me, and getting harder by the second. Give me nose picking any day, how do I deal with puberty and hormones? I long for the diaper changing days!!
Yipee! I hope you are as thrilled as I am for you. I will have to say that this baby has so much harder to be pregnant with... but once I had her, she has been so much easier than any of the other three. I have enjoyed her so much. It's amazing. I know I tease about misery loving company, but really I am so glad to have our little family all here and accounted for.
PS I am going to have to work some once we get to the house in Hemet so once again I will be a working mom. I know all the issues that go with it. I too want to be more gracefull however grace is not a word often used to describe me. :0)
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